My Testimony

I have always wanted the approval of others. Friends, parents, teachers, strangers, everyone. My people-pleasing is like an infection spreading throughout my heart. It touches every aspect of my life. Growing up, I desperately wanted approval from God as well.

I grew up Catholic. My childhood was a desperate attempt to do all the things I knew I was supposed to do, go to mass, go to confession, pray the rosary, pray to Mary, pray to the saints, observe holy days of obligation, fast during lent, learn my catechism, and so much more. I joined youth groups. I ran retreats. I went to summer camps. I seriously considered becoming a nun. No matter what I did, it seemed like there was more that I needed to do. The list was endless and exhausting. On top of that, the older I got, the more tension I felt because the things I thought that God wanted me to do were things that I didn't actually find satisfying. Mass was boring. Confession felt fake. The youth groups left something to be desired. Once I graduated from high school, I gave up. I had been good all my life, and I wasn't happy.

I dove headfirst into a lifestyle of drinking, smoking weed, and illicit sex. I opened credit cards and maxed them out within weeks. I stopped going to class. I lied compulsively to anyone who would listen. I cheated on my boyfriend and convinced him it was his fault. I stole. I manipulated. I wanted to re-create myself, but all I ended up doing was wrecking myself.

That time in my life was one of the lowest I have ever been through. One of the only things getting me through life was theater. I had dropped out of the university that I had a scholarship to (which I had lost pretty quickly because of my terrible grades), moved back home, and enrolled in a local community college. They had a surprisingly good theater department and I signed up for every class that I could. I got lead parts in every play that I auditioned for. I became president of the drama club.

I took an advanced acting class that winter. The theater department was small and we all knew each other pretty well. We'd spend time at class and rehearsal together and then go to hookah bars or parties together afterwards. There were only a small handful of people in the class that I didn't know.

As the quarter went on, I felt God gently tugging at my heart. I had known for some time that my life was not going in a direction that I wanted it to. I felt empty and directionless. I thought back to Christians I had met in the past. Several times I had met someone who was a Christian who seemed different than other people. They had a sort of peace about them, and their lives seemed complete and whole. I wanted that. I knew I wouldn't find it at my old church, so I set out to find a new one.

One day during my advanced acting class I decided to stay inside during the smoke break. (We were actors. We needed smoke breaks. Even our professor would go outside and smoke with us.) For some reason, I sat down next to the girl in class that I knew the least and began talking to her about how I wanted to start going to church again but I had no idea where to start. Looking back, I know it was the Holy Spirit guiding me to her. It just so happened that she was part of a Bible study that met on Monday nights in someone's living room. She invited me to join her.

To be perfectly honest, the next few months were a blur. I felt constantly torn between my old life and the new one God was offering. I would spend a week praying, going to Bible studies, and studying the Bible with my friend. The next week I would flake out on every hang out I had, sleep around and get high. All the while, my friend and the other members of her Bible study kept trying to get one thing through to me: having a relationship with God is a one time decision that you make where you ask God to have Christ's death on the cross count for all the wrongdoing in your life. They kept talking to me about it and asking me if I had made that personal decision. I kept lying and saying that I had because I wanted them to like me.

One day things finally came to a head. I was driving my friend to school after I had told her I would show up at the Bible study the night before and then flaked out to hang out with my boyfriend. I knew she was going to call me out on it. I was ready for her to tell me that I was a terrible friend, that I had betrayed her trust too many times and that she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I'd had that conversation with lots of people. I was definitely one of those toxic people that your friends tell you to stay away from.

Thankfully, that's not what happened. Instead of showing me the door, she showed me grace. She told me how much she and the others in the group cared about me. She urged me again to really consider whether or not I had made a personal decision to accept Christ. I got defensive. I cried. I tried to make myself look like the victim. It didn't work. I was completely stunned by her persistence and her love. It was something I had never experienced before.

After we had finished talking and I had dropped her off in front of her class, I began to really think and pray about where I stood with God. I hadn't made that decision, but I was so focused on what others thought of me that I hadn't even stopped to consider what I thought and what I wanted. I wanted that relationship. I wanted freedom from the things that were holding me back from experiencing true freedom. God had finally gotten through to me. He had relentlessly pursued my heart and shown me who He was. He had spoke through those around me and expressed His love for me through their actions. I broke down in the car and cried out to God for Him to give me His grace and allow me to be in a relationship with Him. The peace and joy I felt afterwards was indescribable.

My journey with God since then has had its rough patches. Following the Lord is not a walk in the park. It involves sacrifice and facing your sin head on. God will ask  you to surrender yourself to Him and to live for others. It's scary and intimidating, but it is also full of joy and fulfillment. I have an amazing life that I wouldn't trade for anything, and that life was given to me by God when I finally admitted my need for Him.

It is, hands down, the best decision I have ever made.

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