The Blessing of Being Single

If you had told me years ago that I would be writing about how being single is an amazing place to be in your life as a woman of God, I would not have believed you. For years, my main goal in life was to get married. I felt that I needed the love of a man the way I needed oxygen. I had been through an incredibly damaging relationship when I was 15 that left me feeling broken and incomplete. I thought that all of the nightmarish things I had been through were my fault. If only I had been prettier or more winsome or had more sex appeal things wouldn't have gone the way that they did. This mentality followed me for the next ten years. It shaped the way I related to men and the way I viewed dating and marriage.

After I became a Christian, I wanted marriage even more. I saw my friends getting married at 21 and 22 and I thought there was something wrong with me. My parents married when they were 22 and 23 and talk often of how much they enjoyed the eight years they spent together just the two of them after they got married. I didn't want to wait until I was in my late 30's to have kids, so if I wanted to get those precious years of it just being my husband and me, I needed to find someone. Fast.

The older I got, the more my panic set in. I heard from a friend that women who have two children before they were 30 greatly lower their risk of getting breast cancer. Now my life was on the line. I read about the risks of getting pregnant later and life and how it could lead to more complications. Now the lives of my future children were on the line. More and more of my friends got married. More and more of the single guys I knew got taken. I was desperate.

I went through a series of terrible dating relationships with guys who were overly passive and easy to control. I was drawn to passive men because I knew they wouldn't reject me. I could make them love me. I could manipulate them into doing what I wanted and being who I wanted. Most importantly, I always knew in the back of my mind that if it had to end, I would be the one doing it. The thought of being dumped was too terrifying for me to risk dating someone who might do that to me.

Needless to say, those relationships sucked. They were damaging, distracting, and not fair to either of us. I started to see that the common denominator in these relationships was me and my desire for control. I desperately sought God's healing and direction and took a year off dating.

In the fall of 2012 one of my roommates planned a weekend trip to Seneca Rocks. A bunch of my friends were going and I excitedly jumped on board. I grew up vacationing in national parks and hiking mountains. The idea of spending a weekend away in the woods, sleeping in cabins and climbing a mountain was too good to turn down. We packed up our stuff and drove five hours to stay at a summer camp that had closed down for the year. It was everything I wanted. We spent the weekend hiking, climbing, building bonfires, eating meals together, and going on adventures.

Aren't we adorable?

As I sat with some of my friends one night, laughing and talking and telling stories, I realized something. I didn't have to ask anyone's permission to come on this trip. The only schedule I had to work around was my own. I had used my money that I earned to pay for the trip and I didn't have to run it by anyone. I felt a sudden and wonderful sense of freedom and joy that came from knowing the blessed position that I was in.

I had spent so much time freaking out because I thought my life hadn't started that I was missing the life that was right in front of me. God had given me so much and I was throwing it all away because it wasn't what I thought I needed. I came back from that trip with a new perspective about my life.

I was free to live my life the way I wanted, which freed me up to live selflessly for others. I could give money to whatever organizations I felt convicted to give to without having to worry about whether or not my husband agreed or if I could afford to feed our kids while giving that much. I could drop everything to spend time with a friend who needed my help without having to see if someone could watch my kids. I could take on additional ministries that I wouldn't have time for if I was married. There was so much that I could say yes to and experience and learn. I was completely available to God.

Don't get me wrong, being married is amazing and a huge blessing as well. And I know that having children will be a new adventure and bring even more blessing into my life. I'm not saying it's wrong to desire those things or that you won't be able to be used by God once you're married and you have kids. I'm saying that you shouldn't let your desires for the future overshadow what God is placing in front of you right now. 

In the book of 1 Corinthians, Paul says that, "...each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned them, just as God has called them." (1 Corinthians 7:17) If you are single, you are in such an amazing and unique position that lasts only a short time in your life. Don't say no to what God has for you now because you are desperately waiting for the future. Here are some awesome things that you can do while single that will bring such a huge blessing in your life:

• Live with other single Christian women. I lived with single Christian women for over seven years before I got married. We spent time praying together, reading the word together, building in with each other and pushing each other towards God. Most of my closest friends are women that I got to live with. I learned so many valuable skills that have carried over into my marriage. Skills like conflict resolution, being open and vulnerable, and pulling your weight with house chores and doing the dishes. I got to see what it was like to live with other people who will see your sin and call you out on it. I also got to see what it was like to see their sin and practice giving them grace and forgiveness. My marriage would not be as strong as it is now if I hadn't had those experiences.
• Disciple or mentor younger single women. I have spent many years meeting with younger women to pray together and study God's word. I have done this with college students, high school students and middle school students. God has used me to help them learn more about Him and become more and more like His Son. There has been so much joy in seeing them grow, but also a tremendous amount of frustration and heartache. I have watched some girls refuse to listen to the Lord and do serious damage to themselves or others. I have watched girls walk away from God completely. I have had girls refuse my well-meaning advice, get angry when I spoke truth, and choose not to act on conviction. Relationships can be the most painful things that we experience and the most rewarding things we experience. I know one day I will have children who will kick and scream and say hurtful things and sneak out at night and do exactly what I have told them not to do, but I will be prepared for that kind of frustration and heartache. I have joyfully been enduring it for years now (Ok, not always joyfully. Sometimes very over-dramatically). This also gets harder to do once you get married and have kids. Develop these relationships and build these skills now while you still have so much free time!
• Develop your own walk with God. Do you spend time with the Lord each day? Are you seeking a greater knowledge of Him and His word? Are you trying to learn and understand things that are challenging? Can you accurately defend your faith? Are you able to admit your sin before God and allow Him to lead you in victory? Do you have others in your life who will push you towards God and hold you accountable? Getting married will not jump start your relationship with God. You need to have these things figured out before you get married. Don't rely on your future husband who is fallen, broken, and sinful to make your relationship with God fulfilling. You will also have so much more to offer your marriage and your husband if you have a strong relationship with God already built.
• Develop a ministry. What are you good at? Do you love children? Volunteer to teach Sunday school. Do you have a career in the medical field? Offer your services at a free clinic. Can you spare time to tutor and mentor an inner-city kid? How about becoming a conversation partner with an international student? There are so many rewarding ministries that are desperate for people who are willing to serve. Pray about where God might be calling you and then dive in! Marriage itself is a ministry, as is raising kids. Go into these things with as much preparation as you can!
• Get a career. Seriously. Figure out what you're good at or what you enjoy doing and go after it. Go to college. Take that internship. Say yes to that management position. If you're like me and you'd like to be a stay at home mom one day, you can cross that bridge when you get there. But what if that never happens? What if you don't get married? What if you can't have kids? What if your husband can't work for some reason? God created us to seek out meaningful work. I had a very rewarding career in banking before I got married (towards the end it was not so rewarding, but more about that in another post). I now have a career in real estate and my husband and I have been richly blessed by it. I love what I do, and if I have to keep working when I have kids, I don't think I'll be as upset about it.
• Have fun. Travel. Stay out all night. Develop a hobby. Go on a mission trip. Make a bucket list and cross off as much as you can. Our God is a God of excitement and adventure. He wants you to have fun, meaningful experiences. Go out and enjoy life. 

It is my prayer for you that you see how much of a blessing being single can be. Ask the Lord to help you take hold of all that he has for you. Run in such a way as to win the prize, and who knows? Maybe one day you'll find someone running right beside you, ready to help you win the race.

What other blessings have you experienced while single? Leave a comment and let me know! I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.